I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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