I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
