she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
