bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
