So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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