Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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