My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
