We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
