Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
