Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
