I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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