i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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