see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
