A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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