Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
