i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
