i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
