If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was not drunk enough for that final.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
