Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
