I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
