is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
