If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
