party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
