get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
