My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
