but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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