She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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