I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
