if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
