I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
