Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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