The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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