FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
