When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
