apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
