my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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