I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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