Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
