i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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