I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
