bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
