The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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