We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Boobs speak an international language.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
