Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i will never coherently bang her
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
