Apparently you make a good broom.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
