I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
