right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
