if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
