If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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