yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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