Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
