tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
