I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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