Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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