it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
